Friday, August 26, 2005

Dangerous chemical dihydrogen monoxide

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there.

Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:
  • is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
  • contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
  • may cause severe burns.
  • contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
  • accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
  • may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
  • has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Contamination is reaching epidemic proportions!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

  • as an industrial solvent and coolant.
  • in nuclear power plants.
  • in the production of styrofoam.
  • as a fire retardant.
  • in many forms of cruel animal research.
  • in the distribution of pesticides.
  • as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.

Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

BTW, dihydrogen monoxide=H2O, or Water... LOL

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Time to get this party restarted

Subject: ineffective daily affirmations

  • As I let go of my shoulds and feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
  • I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
  • I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
  • I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
  • In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
  • Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
  • My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
  • I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.
  • I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
  • Joan of Arc heard voices too.
  • I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
  • I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
  • As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
  • When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
  • The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
  • As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
  • All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
  • I am at one with my duality.
  • Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
  • I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
  • Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
  • Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Or should I move up to incessant nagging?
  • Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
  • False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
  • A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
  • Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
  • Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
  • Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
  • The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
  • I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
  • Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.
  • To understand all is to fear all.
  • I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
  • The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.
  • To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
  • I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

Subject: Plays Shakespeare Didn't Publish

16) Christopher Marlowe Can Kiss My Elizabethan Ass

15) Henry VIII, I Am, I Am

14) Fast Times at Verona High

13) A Midsummer Night's Nocturnal Emission

12) Om'let

11) Love's Fing'r Pulled

10) Romeo & Steve

9) Twelfth Night, Children Stay Free

8) Felines

7) Henry VIII was a Big Fat Idiot

6) Six Degrees of Francis Bacon

5) Stratford-upon-Avon 90210

4) Hamlet II - Where the hell is everybody?

3) Romeo & Michelle's High School Reunion

2) King Gump

...and the Number 1 Play Shakespeare Chose Not to Publish...

1) Booty Calleth

When professors say this . . . They really mean this . . .

Subject: Reading between the Lines

* This needs some minor revision.
I never actually got around to reading this.

* My office hours are by appointment only.
I like to get out of here early.

* Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation.
I'll be fudging your grades.

* This won't be on the test.
Nap time!

* Bring the text to class.
I don't have a clue how to lecture -- we'll just kill time with group read-alongs.

* He's not fully up to speed on that.
He's got his head up his butt.

* I don't have the latest department guidelines. . .
I've got my head up my butt.

* Let's check with Dr. So-and-so on that before we proceed. . .
I've got my head up HIS butt.

* Talk to me in my office after class.
Get out of my face.

* The tests will all be multiple-choice.
I take questions directly from the study guide and have grad students do all my grading.

* Don't come in late during my lecture.
I have the attention span of a fruit fly.

* Save your questions until the end.
See above.

* The final will be comprehensive.
I'll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn't fully cover myself in 15 weeks.

* Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations.
This course is outside my specialty -- I'll just bluff it and let YOU teach.

* There are two TA's available to help you.
I can't be bothered.

* This year I'll be scaling the grades.
I just passed tenure review.

* Let's break up into quiet discussion groups.
I have a hangover.

* Let's have class outdoors today!
I had beans for lunch.

* You won't be able to sell back the text to the bookstore.
My contract wasn't picked up.

* Please note the last day to withdraw.
The midterm's gonna suck.

* The answer to number 4 is "b," and just skip number 17.
I only got around to making up the test last night.

* The second list is optional reading.
I have a rich fantasy life.

* I haven't had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet.
The asshole department chair stuck me with teaching this course at the last possible minute.

* Well, it was on the syllabus.
I'll hold you responsible for this even though I forgot about it myself.

* We'll just skip the term paper this semester.
There wasn't enough in the budget for a TA.

* Bring a number 2 pencil to the exam.
See above.

* Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade.
I'm so boring that no one would show up otherwise

* Read chapters 5 through 10.
I'm not coming in at all next week

* We'll have to cover this chapter quickly.
I messed up the lecture schedule.

* Let's go over the exam.
Half of you failed.

* It was in the textbook.
I pulled it out of my butt.

* Extra credit is available
I need some shit work done

* I'm postponing today's exam.
There's stuff on the exam I forgot to cover.

* Don't write on the question sheet.
I'm so lazy I just use the same exams every semester.

Lament for Finals

Sung to the tune of Beauty and the Beast's "Be our guest"

Abbreviation glossary:
P: Professors
S1, S2, S3: Distinct students
S: Students in unison
TA: Teaching assistant

P: Mes chers tuition-payers, it is with deepest sadism and greatest power that we welcome you this morning. And now, we require you to get tense, let us pull up a chair, as the faculty proudly presents - your final!

P: Take your test
Take your test
Are you nervous? Are you stressed?
Summer's just around the corner now
We love this time the best
Physics laws
English lit.
Why, you'll never want to quit
What's the formula for vinyl?
Don't you love to take a final!
Classic film
Modern dance
All the kings and queens of France
You'll be writing with such energy and zest
Go on and take some blue books
You'll at least need two books
Take your test
Fake your test
Take your test

World War I
World War II
You'll be chugging Mountain Dew
As you scram back home to cram
And stay awake the whole night through
If you're here
And you're scared
Then you're prob'ly unprepared
Don't tell me about your party
You should study, Mr. Smarty
Distant stars
Shakespeare's plays
Let us run you through our maze.

S1: Did you ever get the feeling we're oppressed?

P: Don't question our regime
How could you dare blaspheme?
Now take your test
(You've BSed,
But you'd rather say you've "guessed")
Take your test
Take your test
Take your test

Life's all smiles and smirking
For a student who's not working
It's a gas without a class to load him down
Ah, those good old days way back in grade school
Suddenly he wants his cap and gown
While he's been busy learning
Curiosity's been burning
What's it like to have a minute to himself?
He won't know 'til after graduation
They came here so lazy
Now we're driving them all crazy!

S1: It's a test!

S2: It's a test

S3: This can't be! I still need rest!

P: You want sleep, you little creep?
That's very good. That's quite a jest
Ancient worlds
Complex math
And we won't withhold our wrath
Yes, we'll give you quite a beating
If we catch you while you're cheating
Chinese art
Civil E.

S3: Help me please! I'm having cardiac arrest!

S1: Somebody check his heart!

P: Then label every part!
It's on your test

S: That's our test?

P: That's your test

S: What a pest!

TA: Here's a test
There's a test
I'm so very much depressed
Have to grade each one of these in just a day
And I'm hard-pressed!
Why our "quarters" come in threes
While the deadline still is looming
I'll keep grading
I'll keep fuming

P: Course by course
One by one
'Til you shout, "This isn't fun!"
Then we'll laugh at every place that you digressed
We've done our best to pester
See you next semester!
Take your test
Take your test
Take your test
Now, take your test

Things one learns from children (honest and no kidding)

  • There is no such thing as childproofing your house.
  • If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
  • Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
  • You should not throw a baseball up when the ceiling fan is on.
  • A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
  • The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
  • When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh oh, it's already too late.
  • Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
  • If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak -- it explodes.
  • A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 200 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
  • Legos will pass through the digestive system of a 4-year old.
  • Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
  • Super Glue is forever.
  • McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
  • Ditto Tarzan.
  • No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
  • Pool filters do not like Jello.
  • VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
  • Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
  • Marbles in the gas tank make a lot of noise when driving.
  • You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
  • Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
  • The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
  • The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
  • It will however make cats dizzy.
  • Cats can throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
  • Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
  • A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Been quiet for awhile

I was in the hospital for a couple of weeks and thus away from the keyboard. The regularly scheduled silliness will resume soon, along with some observations about being in the hospital...