Tiger Better Fess Up

By now, everyone within range of a TV or radio knows that Tiger Woods had some kind of "incident" over the holiday weekend. The official story is that at 2:30am, Woods was backing out of his driveway and ran into a tree and a fire hydrant, injuring himself. His wife supposedly had to break his rear windshield with a golf club to pull him out of the vehicle, and when the police arrived, they found Woods lying in the street, bloody and incoherent. with his wife "standing over him."

Riiiight.

Before any of the inevitable rumors began to swirl, I had my doubts. First I thought, "Tiger Woods had an accident at 2:30 in the morning? Backing up? What was he trying to get away from?" Then I heard more details. Facial injuries, wife with golf club. Immediately, I figured, he wasn't injured from the accident, his wife went upside his head with that golf club. After all, if he injured himself that badly backing up, he would have had to stomp on the gas pedal, meaning at least he would have pulled the hydrant out of the ground (I've seen it happen) and/or possibly backed into -- or through! -- whatever was across from his driveway.

Then it came out that Mrs. Tiger had read a National Inquirer report of her husband having an affair with a woman in New York. That would definitely be a rationale for her working him over with a golf club or whatever. These days the Inquirer has to be taken more seriously than in years past; after all, they stuck to their guns with the John Edwards paternity story, and turned out to be correct.

Eldrick Woods is, and has always been, a private person. I can respect that; I treasure my privacy as well. But Tiger better put aside the worries about his image and just fess up to whatever it is he's so afraid of the police finding out, and just answer their questions. The best way to make the story go away is to tell it. But continuing to stick to an obvious fable, and continuing to hold off the police, will just prolong the publicity until the truth comes out anyway, maybe bringing along with it something else the Woodses would like to keep private.

EDIT: Of course, now more women are stepping up and saying that they've had affairs with Tiger Woods, one even supplying a voicemail recording of Woods asking her to remove her name from her phone so it won't show up in his cell phne's call logs  when she calls, because his wife had checked his phone and seen the name. And, typically, Woods is throwing money around to all involved, including his wife, in the hopes that it will keep everyone in their respective lanes.

I will never understand the mindset of someone who apparently values image above reality. Woods is apparently rewriting his prenuptial agreement with his wife to give her more money if (well, basically "when") she leaves but giving her more to stick around for a couple more years. Reminds me of a movie I saw parts of a few years ago, "Love Don't Cost a Thing," starring Nick Cannon and Christina Milian. Tiger comes off as a lot nerdier (and maybe needier?) than Nick here, because Nick's character didn't pay millions to Christina's cool-girl character to pretend to be his girlfriend, the way Tiger's paying Elin millions to stick around and pretend to be his loving wife. (Take note of the title, Tiger; whatever you're paying for ain't love.)

Interesting note from UrbanDictionary.com, in its definition of Kobe Special, named after the ring NBA player (ha!) Kobe Bryant bought his wife after being caught cheating:

Jewelry bought by husbands to appease their angry wives. Usually, the anger concerns extramarital skank diddling on the side. In normal households, a gift of jewelry like this would solve nothing; it would be seen as the empty and loveless gesture that it is. However, in the lives of the rich and famous, empty materialism covers all sins and fixes all problems because they have no souls.

Humor: Men need some excuses too

Reposted from MelvinDurai.com, and a reprint at that


MEN NEED SOME EXCUSES TOO

There are thousands of male scientists in the world, most of whom do their jobs quite well. But they've failed to fulfill their duty to fellow men. They haven't come up with scientific reasons for certain types of male behavior. They haven't given us adequate excuses for habits like leaving
the toilet seat up, refusing to ask for directions and getting too intimate with the remote control.

Women, it seems, have a monopoly on the excuses. An example of this occurred some years ago in Brookfield, Wisconsin. As reported by the Associated Press, Jaclyn Netzel, 19, was trying to turn her car right when a male driver behind honked and finally drove around her. Netzel and the man exchanged obscene gestures. When they met again at a nearby gas station, Netzel called the man a vulgar name and then slapped him after they argued. Police cited her for
disorderly conduct. Netzel pleaded that she was pregnant. Her pregnancy had evidently caused her body to produce a surplus of a hormone called SMH (Slap Men Hormone).

Netzel told a police officer that "when a female is pregnant, they are more emotional than normal." This is why it's always a good idea to wear body armor when visiting the maternity ward. You could get attacked from all directions. Pregnant women are eager to slap men, because men never have to go through labor. This resentment probably goes back to the Garden of Eden: Adam was too busy inventing rules for football to attend the meeting where God handed out childbirth duties. Even the feminists haven't figured out a way to share this burden with men.

But women have turned pregnancy into an advantage of sorts. A pregnant women can get away with just about anything: turning her husband into an errand boy, consuming pizza for breakfast and ice cream for lunch, eating as if she's giving birth to a whale.

Women who aren't pregnant can also get away with pretty much anything, as long as the timing is right. Picture this courtroom exchange:

Judge: "Miss. Fisher, the jury has found you guilty of hijacking 10 planes, bombing five federal buildings and destroying three Hollywood marriages, all in one day. Do you have anything to say?"

Defendant: "Your Honor, it was that time of the month."

Judge: "Case dismissed!"

If the insanity defense works, it won't be long before women invoke the PMS defense. There's nothing that can't be explained by PMS, which stands for either Perilous Mood Swings or Potential Male Slap. PMS usually lasts just a few days, but like a football game, can go into overtime. Of course, there's a lot of scientific evidence to confirm the effects of PMS. Men can't understand it all, but as with religion, we just have to believe.

If male scientists would get their act together, maybe they'd discover a few afflictions for men. This would help us get some much-needed sympathy and ease all that guilt we feel.

Men who hate to ask for directions probably suffer from something like GCM (Going in Circles Mania). When pestered by his wife to stop at a gas station, a man could say, "Sorry honey, that darned GCM is acting up again."

Men who forget to lower the toilet seat suffer from TED (Toilet Etiquette Deficiency). "Sorry honey, the doctor says it's incurable."

Men who skip church to watch football suffer from PDS (Priority Disorder Syndrome). "You wouldn't understand it, honey. It's a guy thing."

Men who scratch themselves in public suffer from PMI (Primitive Male Itch). "Sorry honey, I can't help it. It's genetic."

Men who caress the remote more than their wives suffer from BPO (Button Pushing Obsession). "Sorry honey, I don't know which buttons to push with you. Do you have one for 'mute'?"

Come on scientists, we need this a lot more than we need cloned sheep.

"Baseball to Canseco: Thank You" ??

Here's a different perspective: This Bloomberg.com columnist says that baseball and Bud Selig owe Jose Canseco a thank you for restoring some integrity to baseball. "Jose Canseco" and "integrity" in the same sentence -- who'd a thunk it?

Baseball Owes Canseco for Steroids Crackdown