Kopi Luwak is the world's rarest gourmet coffee beverage.

Kopi Luwak is the world's rarest gourmet coffee beverage. And for very good reason, I believe. Personally I can't even imagine digging through animal droppings of any kind to find something to eat?! or something to drink?!

World Series final (again)

It's good to see that I'm not alone in my assessment of the Yankees' excess-payroll futility. In Brad Marchand's Baseball Blog at baseball.about.com, he makes a similar point:

But I do take heart in a couple of things. First, the Yankees and their $200 million payroll are without a title for the fifth year in a row. That sentiment won't be popular in New York, but after so many titles in so short a period it was time to let some other kids on the playground for awhile... Finally, this World Series proved again that good management and good chemistry can be more important to success than payroll.

I don't know if I'd say that being glad the Yankees didn't win it is universally unpopular in New York. Maybe among Yankee fans, but not among all New Yorkers. I don't like all the hype that surrounds the team, and I know plenty of others, both Mets fans like me and even some Yankee fans, who feel the same.

World Series final: White Sox 1, Yankees 0

OK, I know, the Yankees weren't in the series, and anyway they and the White Sox are in the same league. But the White Sox victory, combined with the Yankees' five-year "dry spell" (they haven't won a Series since 2000; some dry spell), just proves again that multimillion-dollar home-run hitters do not make a well-rounded team. You gotta have role players, you gotta have players willing to sacrifice for the team -- though that two-out, two-strike bunt attempt last night was uncalled for -- and you gotta have players who go all out (after the way Jose Uribe made the last two outs of the game last night, the Sox owe him yesterday's game ball, no matter who's chosen as Series MVP).

Bush vs. Newman

In the past I alluded to a similarity between "our" president George W. Bush and Mad Magazine mascot (and American icon) Alfred E. Newman. It was already apparent that more than a few people saw, um, a similar similarity. But I just stumbled across a site with a side-by-side listing of quotes attributed to Newman and to Bush. Take a look for yourself and maybe you'll see which one has more on the ball. Maybe I owe ol' Al an apology...

A reminder that when it comes to anything you read in a blog, "your mileage may vary"

A writer named Jim Edwards has published an article warning blog readers that blogs, as factual as some of them may seem, are really nothing more than a forum for opinion. Here a link to the original article: http://www.igottatellyou.com/blog/archives/2005/10/the_dark_side_o.html

There really isn't a single thing I can disagree with in the article. After all, even though this particular blog of mine is set up to highlight silliness, stupidity, and shortsightedness in all its forms, I publish it under an account I created specifically for publishing fiction. Why? I didn't really give it a lot of thought before I set up the account or the blog, but I guess I did it so I can remain anonymous. But my wanting to be anonymous doesn't give me, even in my own mind, free rein to engage in what Edwards calls "intellectual hooliganism." After all, even though I publish here under a pseudonym, I still see it it as an extension of myself, which means I see a responsibility to myself, at least, to present a truthful argument.

And there is Edwards' comment about how ideas are presented in a blog: "Strong opinion often equals an agenda, however hard to discern for either the author or the reader." Anyone who has read my Baseball Thoughts post here (or my Bush bash) can see I have some strong opinions. Do I have an axe to grind? I guess I do. I mean, I won't be tapped to replace Bud Selig as commissioner of Major League Baseball anytime soon -- neither will anyone else until the owners get tired of spending themselves into the poorhouse and/or someone forces the owners' hand -- but I would like to see a real commissioner in place. It just makes sense to me. I can't really say I have an idea of who should replace Selig (though Bob Watson comes to mind) but I can't help thinking that owners would be more responsible about how they spend their money if they were being policed by someone outside their own ranks. (As for Bush, that's a subject for another post...)

But even with my presenting my own opinions of what I would like to see done, I won't be presenting anything that's plainly untrue. That is, I won't be presenting untruths as facts. When I post something here that's not actually true, I'll make sure it's obvious. Not that I have to worry about Google shutting me down for bandwidth use or anything, but I wouldn't want my blog to be shunned for being untrustworthy, nor do I want anyone's lawyers contacting me for anything other than perhaps an employment opportunity (misterdoe@gmail.com).

More baseball thoughts

Shorly after I posted my firat Baseball Thoughts message, sportswriter Mike Lupica of the New York Daily News wrote an article criticizing the Yankees for not playing what some writers refer to as "small ball." I agree with the idea, but I don't like the name, which doesn't do the practice justice. So-called "small ball" is basically well-rounded baseball, where the team doesn't sit back and wait for somebody to knock the ball out of the park the way the Yankees do. Small-ball teams also bunt runners over, hit sacrifice flies, steal bases, and so on. With the notable exception of Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter, the Yankees are not really equipped to play small-ball. They're a home-run hitting team. In the meantime, the Chicago White Sox and Anaheim Angels, "small-ball" (read: complete) teams, made it to the American League playoffs while the Yankees stayed home and watched.

I'd like to see the White Sox win the Series, just to hopefully rub it in George Steinbrenner's face that the most expensive, most home-run-reliant team does not guarantee anything. Complete teams generally go much further than those as one-dimensional as the Yankees.

I hope "General Von Steingrabber," as NY Daily News cartoonist Bill Gallo calls his Steinbrenner caricature, doesn't overreact and fire Joe Torre (neither does Gallo). Torre wasn't responsible for signing all these home-run hitters who can't or won't steal bases or go all out for the team (*cough*Gary Sheffield*cough*). It wasn't Torre's fault that all these expensive players broke down at some point in the season, making them reliant on the likes of Robinson Cano (destined to be a fine player, just the kind a small-ball team needs) rather than the multimillionaires the fans paid to see. But Steinbrenner has hired former Philadelphia Phillies manager Larry Bowa as a coach, and is pursuing ex-Met and ex-Yankee (and ex-manager of the Baltimore Orioles) Lee Mazzilli for another coaching job. Maybe hiring these men as coaches means that Torre is safe as manager for the time being, but having two newly fired managers around on the coaching staff during the last year of his contract can't make Torre feel too secure in his job.

It'll be interesting to see what happens, especially if the Yankees stumble early in the season.

Soriano at Shea? (Yet More Baseball Thoughts)

Blogger Matt Cerrone has posted an article weighing against the idea of the Mets bringing Alfonso Soriano to Shea. Considering that the Mets, under Steve Phillips as GM, decided not to pursue Alex Rodriguez when he was a free agent, only for the Texas Rangers to trade Rodriguez years later to get Soriano, it's an interesting paradox that the Mets would even consider Soriano. Especially since, as Cerrone points out, Soriano hasn't grown any since being traded five years ago and isn't nearly the player Rodriguez is. Don't do it, Omar!

I'm hoping that the door is not closed to the possibility of bringing Jason Phillips and/or Vance Wilson back to the Mets. I'm assuming and hoping, of course, that the Mets let aging, bad-fielding Mike Piazza go in favor of someone who can actually play the position. Rumors are swirling that the Mets are interested in Bengie Molina; as long as he can throw baserunners out, he'll be fine with me. I s'pose the first few weeks of the season, whoever the Mets use will have his throwing arm tested just to see if he's another Piazza or if he can throw. Let's see what happens.

POP! went the Internet

A reprint from a Yahoo mailing list, originally posted in 2001:

Sometime in 2001 there was an article in... I think it may have been Yahoo Internet Life, but I'm not sure... profiling Jerry Yang, cofounder of Yahoo. One point that was made in the article was that Yang and his partner in Yahoo, David Filo, are more or less prisoners of their own success.

*On paper,* they are both multibillionaires. But they really can't touch too much of their supposed wealth for fear of toppling the house of cards that is Yahoo.

Yang mentioned that he'd love to unload a few million shares of Yahoo and take advantage of the apparent goodwill that so many people have in his company. But, just to show how lopsided the thinking of stock investors is, if he does unload some shares, instead of thinking, "OK, the man wants a piece of the pie, and why not? It *is* his pie," the effect would be just the opposite. "Did you hear? Yang just sold. Yahoo is tanking... sell!" Then the stock takes a dive.

Why am I writing about this? Well, I don't know about Jerry Yang, but I'd have trouble eating stock certificates. I don't know how to make clothing out of them, I can't run my car on them, I can't pay my rent with them (though in Sillycon Valley and Sillycon Alley things might be different), I can't make a house out of them (though I suppose I could wallpaper an apartment with them if I was pushed)... all those things takes money, directly or indirectly, and he has a potential source of BILLIONS of dollars that he can't touch for fear of devaluing the whole thing. Crazy, isn't it?

But this whole Internet thing was crazy to begin with...

I don't mean the technology, or its usefulness, but the idea that ANYTHING can be the basis of a successful business and create a cash cow for the business owner. Not that the Internet is impossible to make money with, just the opposite. It's just that all these wannabe millionaires were counting on stock prices to fatten their pockets, and forgetting all about whatever it is their businesses were supposed to be doing.

Trying to finance a business by worrying only about the price of the stock, rather than making widgets or doohickeys or whatchamacallits, is this: Say I have a box. I concede right up front that the box is empty. But the box COULD wind up having all kinds of strange and wonderful things in it that could make millionaires out of anyone foolish... oops, I meant visionary enough to invest in shares of ownership of that empty box.

So, investors are lining up, begging me to take their money in exchange for part ownership of the empty box. What do I do with the money? Smart thing would be to find some doohickeys to fill the box with, right? Well, say instead, I spend all that money on a fancy office, a big house, expensive car, the best designer clothes, and a splashy advertising campaign (complete with banner ads on Yahoo, of course) touting the *existence* of my empty box. Not the objects the box will contain, or the service the box may offer, just that the box exists.

If you were one of those investors in the empty box, wouldn't you want to see something in return for your investment *sometime*? Other than a TV commercial for the empty box every five minutes, or print ads in magazines every other page, wouldn't you like to know that I'm selling or making doohickeys or whatchamacallits or gizmos better than (or more cheaply than, or more exclusive than, or more *something* than) the competition?

So would millions of other investors. THAT's why the so-called Internet bubble burst. And this was never a big secret. Anybody see the movie "Wall Street"? When the young stockbroker loses his shirt trying to be just like Gordon Gekko, the broker's father lectures him that he forgot that his company was supposed to be *doing* something with the money stockholders were *lending* the company. Yes, *lending.*

A stock purchase is nothing more or less than a loan based on the premise that the borrower (the company) will use that loan to make more money. When *all* of the money is instead used to entice more people to invest, you're stealing from Peter to pay Paul.

Like Forrest Gump says, "And that's all I have to say about that."

Since then things have changed, but not enough. There's still too much emphasis on stock price rather than how much money a company is making or will continue to make.

Baseball thoughts

Like every year since 2000, the Mets are free to watch the postseason on television like the rest of us. This year, though, unlike every season since 2001, I think they can hold their heads up about how this season played out. Of course, I would have preferred a pennant, and they did make it to the last series of the season with a .500 finish still in question, but they finished 83-79 under first-time manager (and lifelong Mets fan) Willie Randolph.

Naturally, any fan wants to see their team finish better than that, but considering that this was their manager's first time managing anywhere in the big leagues, I'd say they did fine. Next year, though, "new manager" won't work as an excuse for a finish two games over .500. They have to work on not being so streaky -- if they had been more consistent this year, they might have had a better overall record. Let's see what happens in the off-season...

Yankees: I was kind of hoping that the Red Sox would kill off the Yankees' postseason hopes during the season, but that didn't happen. I don't particularly dislike the Yankees, but I don't like the hype that surrounds the team. On the other hand, a payroll of $208 million naturally creates certain expectations, which in a sense pinpoints the problem with the Yankees, and with major-league baseball as a whole.

As long as the position of commissioner is occupied by an owner -- and don't pay any attention to the so-called "blind trust" that represents the Milwaukee Brewers' ownership, since the team president is "Commissioner" Bud Selig's daughter -- there will be very few (if any) proactive moves like what Bowie Kuhn tried to do back in the 70's to prevent George Steinbrenner from pummeling other teams with his money, or what Bart Giamatti and Fay Vincent did to remind owners that as long as they had their antitrust exemption, there had to be an independent commissioner. In fact, I don't understand how they still have that exemption when Major League Baseball is basically rudderless. And as long as there is no real commissioner with any power, Steinbrenner and the other more-moneyed owners are free to throw their money around and bully the financially weaker teams with it. And as long as the rich owners are flexing their wallets, the fans will be induced to unrealistic expectations, as if the teams who spend the most money should automatically rule the postseason. As the Yankees have proved this year and last, it doesn't -- and shouldn't -- work that way.

And I wonder how owners can stomach the idea of the Washington Nationals being "owned by Major League Baseball." That means that they are all financing this team, because when the owners of the Expos couldn't find a buyer, the other owners had to buy them out. I imagine there must have been a lot of urgent phone calls among the front office people in the National League East early this season when the Nationals were making noise; at one point there were atop their division. I didn't think they would prevail precisely because of their ownership situation. How free is the team to compete on the field with other teams whose owners have much more of a vested interest in their own teams, the ones they chose to buy, rather than the one that was forced on them? What about the general manager? How free are other teams to deal with them, knowing that the player or players they're sending could be the missing piece of the puzzle that would send the ownerless Nationals into the postseason? I imagine that it will take a Nationals wild-card berth -- they will not win their division, mark my words -- to make baseball move on getting someone to buy the team, because until then there is always one team that the National League teams, at least, can beat up on.

And I imagine that anyone who would otherwise be interested in buying a major league team is probably asking himself or herself these same questions, and whether they really want to buy into this mess called Major League Baseball in the first place.

As for the teams that did make the playoffs, I think I'd like to see an Astros-White Sox matchup in the World Series. The White Sox' official MLB site mentions that the team has no longstanding traditions, not even the lovable-loser tradition of the Cubs (and it belongs to them now that the Bosox won it all last year). The Cardinals are OK, I guess, and so are the Angels, but I want to see the Astros and White Sox in there. At least if the Chisox make it, I can finally get myself a black Sox uniform top without anyone asking me what gang I'm in...

Qantas Airlines' "gripe sheet"

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except Auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

(a reply posted on a message board where "Gripe Sheet" was posted)

Used to be a crewchief on Army helicopters. Had a pilot once write up "Seat cushion excessively crushed." My corrective action? "Removed fat-ass pilot." The QC officer was not amused at all...

Million Dollar Homepage...

The Million Dollar Homepage. Congratulations to Alex Tew, a 21-year-old British college freshman who made $155,000+ through his site in only a month's time. He was able to pay off three years of college tuition in the first month of attendance at college. Wish I had acted on the idea when I had it years ago.

When I first came online back in 98, the Web was in the process of becoming AOLified, and the collegiate snobs for which the Web had been something of a private playground were having fits. I know the Web was first made available to the military, other government agencies, and academia, but many of the academic types were snobby about "having" to share their sandbox with the Great AOL Unwashed.

Not knowing just what the rules were (I was part of the Great AOL Unwashed at the time, but I had no desire to look like one) I looked up Netiquette and found out that anything that seemed the least bit commercial was frowned upon, and usually resulted in flaming, and sometimes emailbombing. I wasn't interested in experiencing either, so I kept my idea to myself. Unfortunately, it seems I took too long. Not only has Alex Tew achieved 15% of his five-year goal within 30 days, but there are already dozens of copycat sites up, though most of them crow about their copycat status. (That page was posted almost two weeks ago, so the numbers there are a little off.)

I may still come up with some variant of the idea, but not for comedy value. I'd love to sit down and put it all together right now, but if I tried to go live with it now I'd have to use a free webhost, which means bandwidth problems, and I wouldn't be able to do a thing about it until next Thursday, 10/6, when the eagle flies again, hopefully without having its wings clipped again by the finance department like the last few times.

Lingering illness, lingering lingering-ness on the part of doctors I depended on to fill out paperwork so I could get paid while I was at home recuperating from the lingering illness, and some non-medical issues have depleted my finances to the point that, though I expect to get a nice fat check next Thursday, I'll be scraping the barrel until then. My car's registration expires on Saturday, but before I can do that I have to pay parking tickets that total almost as much as my last (skimpy) check. On Thursday I'll be like the guy who rolls up at the lottery office to pick up his multimillion-dollar winnings in raggedy clothes, in a car which ran out of gas just as he coasted into a parking space in front of the building, with a tow-truck tailing him because the car was in that bad shape. (Thankfully the car part isn't true in my case, though the car does need brakes and an oil-change, neither of which I have the funds for right now.)

Million Dollar Homepage. That coulda been me...

Blast the Spammers (part one?)

I don't know if it will make any difference (probably not) but I'm going to start posting the email addresses and "stories" of the perpetrators of the Nigerian-style scam emails that I get so many of. I hate to call them that, because I hate to paint a whole country with a brush like that, especially since, as these emails make plain, the perps are fanning out to other countries (or scammers in other countries are catching on).

Here are some of the ones I've gotten lately:

• Email: drew6060@hotmail.com
  Claim: ANDREW NDAZI, the first son of late chief JOSEPH OKOYE NDAZI, from mende District in Sierra Leone
  
• Email: JUSTICE_OKUTE@terra.es
  Claim: I'm happy to inform you about my success in getting those fundstransferred under the cooperation of my new partner from Nepal. Presently i'm in Nepal for investment projects with my own share of the total sum.
  
• Email: ashichukwu@hotmail.com
  Claim: My name is Mr Ashi Chukwu, I am the credit manager of Queen Premier Bank. here in the United Kingdom. I am contacting you of a business transfer,of a huge sum of money from a deceased account. Though I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make any one apprehensive and worried, but I am assuring you that everything has been taken care off, and all will be well at the end of the day. I decided to contact you due to the urgency of this transaction.
  
• Email: solicitors123@yahoo.com
  Claim: Am the director of bills and Exchange in a First Generation Bank in Nigeria.
  REPORTED TO YAHOO, which is taking the appropriate measures, whatever those may be.

If you have to say something...

... then PLEASE make sure you comment on an appropriate post. Someone just posted a comment to my rambling Strange Days post about treasuring loved ones, but the post is basically spam. Had the poster commented on one of my Smells Like Mass Media posts, it might not have set off my spam alarm, but as it is, I felt I had no choice but to delete the post. Not something I like to do, but again, if people make sure their comments are on topic, I wouldn't have to take such, for me, drastic steps.

Strange Days

I just got word online that the founder of Subreality.com and the Subreality Cafe mailing list, Kelle, passed away last night from colon cancer. She was only 33 years old.

This hasn't been a good year for people whose ideas have sparked my own creativity. This past May, Dennard Summers, who produced a public access TV show in Pittsburth called The House of Yes (which later morphed into Steel City Video Mix) passed away suddenly in his sleep at 38. Dennard used video effects to make the hostesses and models on his show invisible, while their clothing remained visible. I had always especially enjoyed movies which depicted invisible characters, especially when the character was female. Occasionally I would fantasize about meeting and )getting involved with) an invisible woman. Seeing Dennard's site told me that I wasn't the only one that had such thoughts, and that got me started writing stories and editing photos, and also got me started looking around online for other expressions of creativity.

Among other sites and ideas, I found Subreality, which is depicted as a kind of way station for story characters between stories or even between chapters of a single story. That also got ideas flowing, including a kind of Subreality fanfic I'm in the middle of now. Kielle wrote comic-book-inspired fanfics, and came up with an idea of an interdimensional place where different versions of the same character could interact with one another. The stories set in and around Subreality also depended heavily on character muses (muses "created" by the writer, rather than the classical muses of Greek myth, though they're also included), who inspire(d) the creativity of those who added stories and/or artwork to the sprawling online complex that makes up Subreality.com.

I guess hearing of the passing of these people who played a part in unlocking my own creativity are reminders of my own mortiality. I had no idea that Kielle had been sick until I saw a post last night from Kielle's husband, stating that she probably had only days to live. And as far as I know, Dennard hadn't been sick at all, though I don't really have much info to back that up. I, on the other hand, have been battling with illness of one kind or another for about eleven years now -- kidney and heart problems, leading to dialysis and a kidney transplant in 2004, and a hip operation in 2005 -- though the evidence suggests that I've always had a hampered immune system.

I guess what I'm trying to say here, though I've been rambling, is that we have to treasure each day as it comes and make the most of it, since we don't know what's waiting around the corner. Reach out to other people and let them know how much they mean to you (and let them show you what you mean to them). Friends and loved ones will do and say things to get on your nerves -- they meay even cause you great pain -- but do what you can to make and keep peace, since no one knows when those loved ones may be taken away, or when we may meet with our own demise.

Natural disasters like Hurricanes Katrina and Rita underscore the point I'm trying to make. When Katrina clipped Florida, no one knew what devastation was to come. In fact, they still don't know the total scope and may not know for months. Rita is a category 5 and may remain one when it comes ashore in Texas or Louisiana tonight or tomorrow, causing untold destruction and loss of life in the impact zone, and adding to the problems in the New Orleans area and southern Mississippi. Imagine some poor soul who hadn't spoken to a parent, child, or sibling for many years, only to find out that the person you should have treasured is no longer there. Suddenly the argument that seemed so important no longer matters, and the opportunity to apologize and make peace is taken away.

Again, I know I'm rambling, so I'll cut this short. But treasure every day as the gift it is, and treasure family and friends as the gifts they are.

Smells Like Mass Media 2

And on that note...

Zap2it.com reports, as has just about every entertainment website in creation, that Britney Spears has given birth this past weekend. Zap2it, though, went tacky by calling their story "Britney Gives Birth to PMS," supposedly because her son's name is reported to be Prescott Michael Spears. Tacky, or as Phylicia Rashad might have said it back in the day, "T-(pause)-acky!"

Smells Like Mass Media

For anyone who might be looking for the Smells Like Mass Media blog, I deleted it. Too much overlap between that one and this one. I decided it made more sense to just use that title as a running theme on this blog instead...

Bush: IF Anyone Is To Blame, I Am

In a quote from a news story at VH1.com, the president of the United States (all 50 of them and everyone in them, to the best of my knowledge) fixed his lips to say, "to the extent that the federal government didn't fully do its job right, I take responsibility." In other words, 'I'm not saying that there is anything to blame anyone for, but if you absolutely HAVE to point a finger at someone, point it at me.' Lately everytime I see that man I think of Alfred E. Neuman from Mad magazine smiling that gap-toothed grin but instead of his usual line, he says, "What, me care?"

By the way, I can't say that I agree fully with Kanye West's claim that Bush doesn't care about black people. I don't think it's a matter of race so much as poverty. Bush doesn't care about poor people, supposedly because he can't relate to them. I don't see how not having been poor can stop a person from having empathy and acting on it, but that's because I have a brain in my head. Apparently, in more ways than one, I'm in the minority.

Dangerous chemical dihydrogen monoxide

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there.

Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

• is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
• contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
• may cause severe burns.
• contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
• accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
• may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
• has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Contamination is reaching epidemic proportions!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

• as an industrial solvent and coolant.
• in nuclear power plants.
• in the production of styrofoam.
• as a fire retardant.
• in many forms of cruel animal research.
• in the distribution of pesticides.
• as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.

Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

BTW, dihydrogen monoxide=H2O, or Water... LOL

Time to get this party restarted

Subject: ineffective daily affirmations

• As I let go of my shoulds and feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
• I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
• I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
• I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
• In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
• Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
• My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
• I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.
• I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
• Joan of Arc heard voices too.
• I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
• I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
• As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
• When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
• The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
• As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
• All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
• I am at one with my duality.
• Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
• I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
• Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
• Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Or should I move up to incessant nagging?
• Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
• False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
• A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
• Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
• Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
• Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
• The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
• I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
• Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.
• To understand all is to fear all.
• I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
• The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.
• To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
• I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

---

Subject: Plays Shakespeare Didn't Publish

16) Christopher Marlowe Can Kiss My Elizabethan Ass

15) Henry VIII, I Am, I Am

14) Fast Times at Verona High

13) A Midsummer Night's Nocturnal Emission

12) Om'let

11) Love's Fing'r Pulled

10) Romeo & Steve

9) Twelfth Night, Children Stay Free

8) Felines

7) Henry VIII was a Big Fat Idiot

6) Six Degrees of Francis Bacon

5) Stratford-upon-Avon 90210

4) Hamlet II - Where the hell is everybody?

3) Romeo & Michelle's High School Reunion

2) King Gump

...and the Number 1 Play Shakespeare Chose Not to Publish...

1) Booty Calleth

---

When professors say this . . . They really mean this . . .

Subject: Reading between the Lines

* This needs some minor revision.
I never actually got around to reading this.

* My office hours are by appointment only.
I like to get out of here early.

* Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation.
I'll be fudging your grades.

* This won't be on the test.
Nap time!

* Bring the text to class.
I don't have a clue how to lecture -- we'll just kill time with group read-alongs.

* He's not fully up to speed on that.
He's got his head up his butt.

* I don't have the latest department guidelines. . .
I've got my head up my butt.

* Let's check with Dr. So-and-so on that before we proceed. . .
I've got my head up HIS butt.

* Talk to me in my office after class.
Get out of my face.

* The tests will all be multiple-choice.
I take questions directly from the study guide and have grad students do all my grading.

* Don't come in late during my lecture.
I have the attention span of a fruit fly.

* Save your questions until the end.
See above.

* The final will be comprehensive.
I'll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn't fully cover myself in 15 weeks.

* Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations.
This course is outside my specialty -- I'll just bluff it and let YOU teach.

* There are two TA's available to help you.
I can't be bothered.

* This year I'll be scaling the grades.
I just passed tenure review.

* Let's break up into quiet discussion groups.
I have a hangover.

* Let's have class outdoors today!
I had beans for lunch.

* You won't be able to sell back the text to the bookstore.
My contract wasn't picked up.

* Please note the last day to withdraw.
The midterm's gonna suck.

* The answer to number 4 is "b," and just skip number 17.
I only got around to making up the test last night.

* The second list is optional reading.
I have a rich fantasy life.

* I haven't had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet.
The asshole department chair stuck me with teaching this course at the last possible minute.

* Well, it was on the syllabus.
I'll hold you responsible for this even though I forgot about it myself.

* We'll just skip the term paper this semester.
There wasn't enough in the budget for a TA.

* Bring a number 2 pencil to the exam.
See above.

* Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade.
I'm so boring that no one would show up otherwise

* Read chapters 5 through 10.
I'm not coming in at all next week

* We'll have to cover this chapter quickly.
I messed up the lecture schedule.

* Let's go over the exam.
Half of you failed.

* It was in the textbook.
I pulled it out of my butt.

* Extra credit is available
I need some shit work done

* I'm postponing today's exam.
There's stuff on the exam I forgot to cover.

* Don't write on the question sheet.
I'm so lazy I just use the same exams every semester.

---

Lament for Finals

Sung to the tune of Beauty and the Beast's "Be our guest"

Abbreviation glossary:
P: Professors
S1, S2, S3: Distinct students
S: Students in unison
TA: Teaching assistant

P: Mes chers tuition-payers, it is with deepest sadism and greatest power that we welcome you this morning. And now, we require you to get tense, let us pull up a chair, as the faculty proudly presents - your final!

P: Take your test
Take your test
Are you nervous? Are you stressed?
Summer's just around the corner now
We love this time the best
Physics laws
English lit.
Why, you'll never want to quit
What's the formula for vinyl?
Don't you love to take a final!
Classic film
Modern dance
All the kings and queens of France
You'll be writing with such energy and zest
Go on and take some blue books
You'll at least need two books
Take your test
Fake your test
Take your test

World War I
World War II
You'll be chugging Mountain Dew
As you scram back home to cram
And stay awake the whole night through
If you're here
And you're scared
Then you're prob'ly unprepared
Don't tell me about your party
You should study, Mr. Smarty
Distant stars
Shakespeare's plays
Let us run you through our maze.

S1: Did you ever get the feeling we're oppressed?

P: Don't question our regime
How could you dare blaspheme?
Now take your test
(You've BSed,
But you'd rather say you've "guessed")
Take your test
Take your test
Take your test

Life's all smiles and smirking
For a student who's not working
It's a gas without a class to load him down
Ah, those good old days way back in grade school
Suddenly he wants his cap and gown
While he's been busy learning
Curiosity's been burning
What's it like to have a minute to himself?
He won't know 'til after graduation
They came here so lazy
Now we're driving them all crazy!

S1: It's a test!

S2: It's a test

S3: This can't be! I still need rest!

P: You want sleep, you little creep?
That's very good. That's quite a jest
Ancient worlds
Complex math
And we won't withhold our wrath
Yes, we'll give you quite a beating
If we catch you while you're cheating
Chinese art
Civil E.
Anesthesiology

S3: Help me please! I'm having cardiac arrest!

S1: Somebody check his heart!

P: Then label every part!
It's on your test

S: That's our test?

P: That's your test

S: What a pest!

TA: Here's a test
There's a test
I'm so very much depressed
Have to grade each one of these in just a day
And I'm hard-pressed!
Biochem
Japanese
Why our "quarters" come in threes
While the deadline still is looming
I'll keep grading
I'll keep fuming

P: Course by course
One by one
'Til you shout, "This isn't fun!"
Then we'll laugh at every place that you digressed
We've done our best to pester
See you next semester!
Take your test
Take your test
Take your test
Now, take your test

---

Things one learns from children (honest and no kidding)

• There is no such thing as childproofing your house.
• If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
• Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
• You should not throw a baseball up when the ceiling fan is on.
• A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
• The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh oh, it's already too late.
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
• If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak -- it explodes.
• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 200 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
• Legos will pass through the digestive system of a 4-year old.
• Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
• Super Glue is forever.
• McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
• Ditto Tarzan.
• No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
• Pool filters do not like Jello.
• VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
• Marbles in the gas tank make a lot of noise when driving.
• You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
• The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
• It will however make cats dizzy.
• Cats can throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
• Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
• A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

Been quiet for awhile

I was in the hospital for a couple of weeks and thus away from the keyboard. The regularly scheduled silliness will resume soon, along with some observations about being in the hospital...